superficial

as I've thrived to adulthood since the last time i posted in this dying blog, i spent a lot of my time detesting the society. 

why? well, i live in a mentally-exasperating society, where shallowness is viable in almost every aspects of life. everything-your beauty, social status, style, fashion sense, opulence, heredity- is incessantly criticized and scrutinized; hence, people are competing to climb and assess their way to the top.

not to be hypocritical, i cared about those things, not that i completely eliminate shallow things in my life. i fully agree that people should try to be the best versions of themselves, and criticisms are very much helpful in ameliorating people, encouraging them to be a respected person.

when these qualities have dictated the peak of the way people are judged, however, i have to object. one doesn't have to be flawless and popular to deserve being treated right, there's a lot of other things that complement a person as an amazing individual. if people just give chances for everyone to prove themselves, to unveil the brilliance lurking in them, and to embrace themselves- acting the way they want to be without being judged and harangued-, there will surely be more extraordinary people in this world. 

as banal as this saying sounds, seriously, don't judge a book by its cover. don't kill a person's awesomeness just because he/she doesn't fit in the society. stand back, motivate, and give them chance to proliferate.

wise-ish

i was sitting on a garden, studying. i am an easily bored person, and considering the activity i was doing couldn't be more attractive, i looked around, daydreaming, when my eyes caught something. blooming flowers. their petals seem so soft and were bursting with vivid colours. being the "chiu cien" me, i went over there and were about to feel the flowers with my fingers. my intention was just to touch it, nothing bad. but when i did it, all the petals fell off.

i was really uneasy. it's such a waste that my careless action ruin such beautiful thing. then a random thought popped in my mind. i don't know but somehow, the flowers kinda resembled people's feelings. sometimes, people have nonchalant intention, or even good ones. however, as things are very unpredictable, they don't always come out the best way. things that you want to show to people you care about just turn out the opposite way. it happens a lot in my life. i realised that sometimes, i only wanted to do the best, but things keep screwing up. it's also likewise. every so often, people just want the best for me, but i often regard it as a malice.

maybe by tomorrow, or next days and weeks, the flower will bloom again, with petals bigger and stronger than its previous ones, bolder and more vivid. 

it's just the same. only later when i realise that what they were doing was because they care about me that i appreciate them. it was great if the gratefulness come in the right time. however, at worse times, they come late, they come last. it's sad when you realised that people actually care about you, but everything is too late because you've pushed them away.

i hope to be wiser. i want to give people chances and i want to appreciate people. i want to cherish all the love i get and i want to let the hate replenish me even more. everyone is not the same, and of course it affects the way they show their feelings. it's just up to how one decipher it.

well okay, let's cut the wise-ish crap. and since it's fall...

i know, i know. ignore my face, just want you to feel the atmosphere.

alive

hi guyssss! :D finally, like finally, i feel so happy today. it's been so long since the last time i felt this way. all those days, life was just like a bleak long dark day, and i'm just hoping for all of that to end. i've turned into a total nerd before -_- just keep studying and don't care about anything else, sounds so ewww. and i worried so much i barely even had time to have fun. ckck what a waste, i don't even realise how blessed i am. 

but today, i drop everything and my old self is back! i'm really looking forward to tomorrow and the next days to come. i'm willing to take up challenge and experience new things. to make mistakes, to fall, to laugh, to repeat the mistake all over again, and to live. i started seeing myself from a different view, (the reason behind that stays a secret :p) my cheerful, optimistic self is back and there's nothing i would like more beside that. 

i promise from now on, i would not let small things bother me anymore. hehehe 

and nowwww i crave for more things. vacatiooonnnn!
i want to be free free free as a bird!

aahh how i miss blogging <3 writing has always been a really calming therapy for me. bubyee guysssss

Hi readers! I dunno, I think I'll blog more often from now on. These days just feel so lonely and gloomy. I don't know who I can talk to. The one that will listen to my countless rants, hopes, and dreams that will actually care. I guess I'm back to pouring my feelings out through typing.

I think my life is slowly turning into a dark pit of depression. Everyone is hoping for the best of me. And I'm not quite sure how to deal with it. There's just so much to do and so little time. I hope that all of these will make me stronger and will force me to show the best ability I have.

Sometimes my life feels so numb. I feel so lonely, despite having so many people around me. I feel like everyone is moving along with their life, and I'm left behind. I just don't feel happy anymore. It's hard to be the cheerful girl I was. Nowadays what I feel is just illness, loneliness, stress, and heartache.

Call me pathetic or call me weak. I'm ranting because I don't know who to trust anymore. I'm really desperate for a friend, not that I didn't have one, but someone who's actually there for me. And the one I can be there for. Just a life companion.

i dream about an idyllic day when it rains, and won't stop idling when the sun flaunts its rays. sometimes i'm just being that type of person who dreams too much, and does nothing. not that i didn't realize that all the time. i'm always mostly self-conscious. but still, every time i was going to actually realize my dreams, a new goal came, and fly high my old dreams, i'm surely going to focus on the new one.

maybe i'm whimsical, maybe i'm just lazy. or maybe, i found it hard to focus, and get bored easily. the point is, there's never a particular thing that i'm actually really apt in. it's all in a frustrating cycle of being above mediocre, but never superb.

sometimes i wonder, is it just me being a jack of all trades? or is it because of my half-hearted efforts?

as a positive thinker, i decided that it's the latter. 

maybe, if i try harder, i actually can excel in one of those things. 

that's the thought that i have for like, years, but me in a hardworking mode? never happen. obviously. 

so now i'm just going to round down a few things, and actually start making a realistic goal. i realized that i want so many things at the same time. maybe what i need to do is just simple, choosing one or two things that i want the most, and focus in just them. the rest can follow after the two goals are realized.

of course, making a resolution is effortless, actually doing it is another thing. that's why clear objectives are needed, and to motivate myself, i'm going to give myself a self reward.

well, let's just hope that this is not just another dreamy post.


i don't know, i just like writing in my blog. it's confiding to a stranger, someone vague, mysterious, and completely silent, most importantly, nonjudgemental. so don't judge me if i like to pour pointless rants here. 

i know i haven't write in here for a long time. truth is, i miss writing in my blog. it feels great to spill things out for a little while. it's the main reason of why i blog, to write things. usually i add a few pics to keep my readers from getting bored. but well, since no one really reads my blog anymore, then i guess it's unnecessary.

my life has been going like a roller coaster, maybe a kiddie roller coaster, with less turbulence and turns. however, as i grow up, i can feel that my passion for life, for small things that bring happiness in me, are slowly gone. i think my mind is maturing. things that keep me elated are different now, but doesn't mean it lifts me away from this emptiness inside. 

now all i care about is what most adults or should i say, adolescent, take as business. my studies, grades, my plans for the uni, friends, social life, love *eyeroll*, even my career in the future. it's normal, i know you say. it's what it's supposed to be, that i must throw away all my childish dreams and start to think more realistically. i also thought that way. i am confident that i've chosen the right path, the right decision, and that my purpose of life is clear.

today i saw a movie, an inspiring one. it kinda reminds me of the thought i have just a few years before. something that have always been my dream. the movie tells me about a dream of a desperate man, but he finally made it anyway. his dreams came true, in an unexpected way of course. i know, typical. however, it made me see my whole life in a different perspective.

i reminisced about the beautiful life i led in the past. how things were much simpler and happiness is easy, heartwarming and all around me. i forgot how ethereal it is when the sun rises in the morning, sweeps its way among the leaves, and cheer us up with its golden glow. i forgot how happy my brother and i were when we're sneaking out of the house in bright, blue days, or playing a game behind our parents' back. little secrets. all the long lazy days, when it's pouring outside and our family stayed at home, then we spend it watching movies or in my case, reading thick, endless novels. making art and crafts, writing silly, dreamy novels, and painting. all the excitement, the anticipation for an eventful day. and most importantly, my innocence. my dreams, all nonsense but still, i was hoping that maybe one of it will come true. i used to dream all day. my days filled with hopes, filled with failed efforts, but still, there's no stopping me from making it come true.

now, it's gone, long forgotten. reality had struck in. i had to take business as my major in uni. i had to enter the top uni to make my parents proud. i need to build my social life. i must study hard. it's like the new me. my creative and dreamy side, which used to be the largest part of myself, is now gone. i even don't enjoy reading novels anymore. it's just me and lessons, with high ambition and pressure from my parents, from everyone around me.

i'm lost. i feel like there's nothing special about my life anymore. like there's just plain old me trying to lead a normal and respected life in this small town. i should be happy, but i can't, a part of me was gone.

then the movie taught me a few things. it's not too late to realize or start anything. it taught me simple joy, passion, happiness in life. that not your title, money or knowledge, or maybe a thousand friends to accompany you to your end. to live, you just need to dream, strive, and be surrounded by a few people you love. no glitzy life or important jobs will keep you content, people are always wanting more and more. material things, they're things to make you alive physically. people work to feed themselves and their family, to realize material things they want. do that ensure happiness? i don't know how everyone else thinks, as for me, i've now realized that what i want is simply a dream come true, and to laugh it off with my dear ones.

Yaaaay so last sunday was so fun, me joss kent and a couple of m3 kids went to sun to yeah, spent hours talking loudly and creating nuisance in cafes. Seriously, so many old people, especially grandmas were staring at us like this '>:|'

Especially me and kent. We were like, 'hey i'm telling you this secret!'
'what, what, say lah!'
'okay, don't tell anyone yah, my blablablabla...'

But we're talking sooo loudly. I swear i saw a lady who was eavesdropping us, or should i say, listening because she don't have a choice, stifle a supressed giggle when she heard our 'not-so-secret-anymore' secrets.

Anyways, we really had fun. I also met rangers there lol coincidence much?

I'm kinda annoyed because of some things. Why people have to underestimate each other? People can change, they really can. Stop judging them and give them a chance, for god's sake.

Moving on, since u guys haven't heard a lot from me, my life's been pretty good, great in fact :D maybe because i'm just starting to get close to this sweetest guy ever. *ignorethis* but now i'm feeling kinda useless because i'm not that active anymore? I mean, i seldom do anything creative now, unlike how i used to be. I'm afraid i'll turn out to be one of those creepy nerds at school who only cares about marks marks marks

And last, i have an announcement to make. I'm turning this boring, postless blog to a daily, 10 times more boring, and full of my rants and crappy stories of my life, journal! Yaaay! Duh

It's because now, i realized how talkative i am. *notashamedtoadmitthis* and some people in my life have been complaining about how i won't stop talking and i'm so 'kepo' and ugh, whatever. So i've found a solution to that. If i want to blurt out lots of unimportant things, i'll blog.

If u can't stand boring, everyday-life post and crappy phone pictures, i advise you to stop visiting this blog.

There. I've nothing more to say. So scroll down! Pictures!


Please tolerate mine and kent's ugly faces. No offense kent :p

Aaaand i'm so excited that i finally bought the red album! :D doing my silly, jelly arms dance right now. And ah , lots of great songs but still, red's my favourite. It reminds me of someone.

Okaay, ending this post.