wise-ish

i was sitting on a garden, studying. i am an easily bored person, and considering the activity i was doing couldn't be more attractive, i looked around, daydreaming, when my eyes caught something. blooming flowers. their petals seem so soft and were bursting with vivid colours. being the "chiu cien" me, i went over there and were about to feel the flowers with my fingers. my intention was just to touch it, nothing bad. but when i did it, all the petals fell off.

i was really uneasy. it's such a waste that my careless action ruin such beautiful thing. then a random thought popped in my mind. i don't know but somehow, the flowers kinda resembled people's feelings. sometimes, people have nonchalant intention, or even good ones. however, as things are very unpredictable, they don't always come out the best way. things that you want to show to people you care about just turn out the opposite way. it happens a lot in my life. i realised that sometimes, i only wanted to do the best, but things keep screwing up. it's also likewise. every so often, people just want the best for me, but i often regard it as a malice.

maybe by tomorrow, or next days and weeks, the flower will bloom again, with petals bigger and stronger than its previous ones, bolder and more vivid. 

it's just the same. only later when i realise that what they were doing was because they care about me that i appreciate them. it was great if the gratefulness come in the right time. however, at worse times, they come late, they come last. it's sad when you realised that people actually care about you, but everything is too late because you've pushed them away.

i hope to be wiser. i want to give people chances and i want to appreciate people. i want to cherish all the love i get and i want to let the hate replenish me even more. everyone is not the same, and of course it affects the way they show their feelings. it's just up to how one decipher it.

well okay, let's cut the wise-ish crap. and since it's fall...

i know, i know. ignore my face, just want you to feel the atmosphere.

alive

hi guyssss! :D finally, like finally, i feel so happy today. it's been so long since the last time i felt this way. all those days, life was just like a bleak long dark day, and i'm just hoping for all of that to end. i've turned into a total nerd before -_- just keep studying and don't care about anything else, sounds so ewww. and i worried so much i barely even had time to have fun. ckck what a waste, i don't even realise how blessed i am. 

but today, i drop everything and my old self is back! i'm really looking forward to tomorrow and the next days to come. i'm willing to take up challenge and experience new things. to make mistakes, to fall, to laugh, to repeat the mistake all over again, and to live. i started seeing myself from a different view, (the reason behind that stays a secret :p) my cheerful, optimistic self is back and there's nothing i would like more beside that. 

i promise from now on, i would not let small things bother me anymore. hehehe 

and nowwww i crave for more things. vacatiooonnnn!
i want to be free free free as a bird!

aahh how i miss blogging <3 writing has always been a really calming therapy for me. bubyee guysssss

Hi readers! I dunno, I think I'll blog more often from now on. These days just feel so lonely and gloomy. I don't know who I can talk to. The one that will listen to my countless rants, hopes, and dreams that will actually care. I guess I'm back to pouring my feelings out through typing.

I think my life is slowly turning into a dark pit of depression. Everyone is hoping for the best of me. And I'm not quite sure how to deal with it. There's just so much to do and so little time. I hope that all of these will make me stronger and will force me to show the best ability I have.

Sometimes my life feels so numb. I feel so lonely, despite having so many people around me. I feel like everyone is moving along with their life, and I'm left behind. I just don't feel happy anymore. It's hard to be the cheerful girl I was. Nowadays what I feel is just illness, loneliness, stress, and heartache.

Call me pathetic or call me weak. I'm ranting because I don't know who to trust anymore. I'm really desperate for a friend, not that I didn't have one, but someone who's actually there for me. And the one I can be there for. Just a life companion.

i dream about an idyllic day when it rains, and won't stop idling when the sun flaunts its rays. sometimes i'm just being that type of person who dreams too much, and does nothing. not that i didn't realize that all the time. i'm always mostly self-conscious. but still, every time i was going to actually realize my dreams, a new goal came, and fly high my old dreams, i'm surely going to focus on the new one.

maybe i'm whimsical, maybe i'm just lazy. or maybe, i found it hard to focus, and get bored easily. the point is, there's never a particular thing that i'm actually really apt in. it's all in a frustrating cycle of being above mediocre, but never superb.

sometimes i wonder, is it just me being a jack of all trades? or is it because of my half-hearted efforts?

as a positive thinker, i decided that it's the latter. 

maybe, if i try harder, i actually can excel in one of those things. 

that's the thought that i have for like, years, but me in a hardworking mode? never happen. obviously. 

so now i'm just going to round down a few things, and actually start making a realistic goal. i realized that i want so many things at the same time. maybe what i need to do is just simple, choosing one or two things that i want the most, and focus in just them. the rest can follow after the two goals are realized.

of course, making a resolution is effortless, actually doing it is another thing. that's why clear objectives are needed, and to motivate myself, i'm going to give myself a self reward.

well, let's just hope that this is not just another dreamy post.


i don't know, i just like writing in my blog. it's confiding to a stranger, someone vague, mysterious, and completely silent, most importantly, nonjudgemental. so don't judge me if i like to pour pointless rants here.